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There once was an elf girl named Mary

This is scariliy long. I'll post the rest under a cut.

There once was an elf girl named Mary
Who's legs were so long it was scary
To Elrond she said "they hang out of my bed"
He answered "at least there not hairy"

Mary became Elronds GirlFriend
All their time together they did spend
Til one day said Mary "I used to be Larry"
And Elrond took off for BagEnd

To Bilbo he said "I was shocked
to think my maiden once cocked"
Bilbo laughed loud as he pulled back his shroud
Then Elrond his knees they just knocked


Bilbo offered Elrond his ring
Elrond shuddered and refused the thing.
Its just too much Power, "Man, do I need a shower"
Bilbo lent Elrond his plumbing

While Elrond was washing his sack
Bilbo said "can I wash your back"
Elrond slip on the soap and fell down like a dope
and Bilbo said "MMMMM nice crack"

While Bilbo was enjoying the view
In walked Frodo, his favrite nephew
Frodo cried "who's that?", in bilbo's face he then spat
Poor Bilbo felt quite torn in two

Frodo ran to see Sam
He said my life is a sham
Then Sam he said with cock of his head
I could be your cute little lamb

Sam said to Frodo "let's leave"
And take something of his that he'll grieve
"lets take his ring, he loves that old thing"
They got off scot free, they believe

They ran into Merry and Pip in
Who had been living in sin
they said we'll come with you too
we would love to travel with you
Who knows the shit we could get in

like horseshit, they hit the trail
Frodo also grabbed Bilbo's Mail
"I have nothing to fear,
from an arrow or spear"
but inside it he felt all to frail

They ran into old Tom Bom B
He saved there ass from a tree
He did up some Math said I have enough tubs fot a bath
and Id like to take a peek at your bummies

They quickly got the hell out of there
And headed for Bree, on a tear
"we'll stop at the Inn, before we get too thin"
and think up a song we can share

Frodo jump up on the bench
his sang like a a rusted old wrench
The locals they liked it,but his drink they had
spiked it
and he fell on his ass like a wench

Then Strider appeared looking foul
Smoking his pipe there under his cowl
"you've done it now friend, this isnt BagEnd"
as they heard the Black Rider Howl

They went back to old Frodo's room
They sat in the dark and the gloom
I dont trust him said Sam, He looks like a sham
I bet he's black as an old barrow tomb

In came old 'bur with the mail
the sending of which he did fail
"looking foul?,feeling fair?", hey whose that over there?
Aragorn to lead you on the trail

They hit the ground at a run
wheather top for frollick and fun
The damn riders came, what a cryin shame
and Frodo got stabbed in the buns

Aragorn went in search of some weed
Frodo's injury had created the need
He was off in a flash, to replenish his stash
And returned with amazing speed

After he toked for a bit
he looked up and said holly shit
I smoked all this weed while my bud was in need
then he fixed his poor butt lickedy splitt

They hurried along on their course
Heading toward the Bruinen source
Along came Glorfin',(but he looked like Arwen)
and put Frodo up on his or her horse

Frodo rode to the side like a girl
The pain it had made his toes curl
for his butt it still wicked hurt. HOW BOUT MAIL
UNDIES NOT SHIRT!
I must talk to my tailor named Earl

He rode to the Ford without fail
A Rider was hot on his tail
He put on the Ring, Got a look at His thing
and into the river he sailed

Then he rode to the other side
wipped out his sword with great pride
mumbled some ancient word, scared the riders like turd
the riders the water they spied

Glorfindel opened his robe with a flash
The riders fled into the water, Splash
The waters did rise, with boulders of size
And came down on their heads with a crash

The riders they ran for the hills
The water the horses it killed
Frodo said they'll be back, then hit the ground like a sack
what a shame his sambuca he spilled

Frodo awoke "what the hell?"
He was safe in Rivendell
With him wasn't an elf, but Gandalf himself
"for a fool, you've done actually quite well"

Done quite well what the hell do you mean?
Im running from that old freakin queen
I stole all of his things, Ouch my butt it still stings.
Im feeling quite haggard and lean.

"Theres someone I'd like you to meet"
She's been lying for days at your feet
Her name it is Mary, See her legs, they're not hairy
Her voice is quite low, but so sweet

He said you look like my old friend named Larry
His legs where long too but all hairy
She shook her head and said faken , you must be mistaken
The old fart just said my names Mary

Just then Elrond came into the room
Seeing Mary, his face turned to gloom
He remembered the sights, Now unforgetable nights
that he spent at her Crack of Doom

Fromm the room he started retreatin
said come on guys lets go have a meetin
Frodo sat up with a start, and out slipped a fart
For his butt hole was all stretced the creatin